soopastryheart

Is the third Monday of the month too late for a 2010 recap entry (see 2009’s review here)? Ah, well, blame it on the new zodiac sign. It was a semi-sweet year – full of some deep-shit soul searching, weight gain, sleepless nights, the laziest of lazy summer days, another cross-country road trip, weight loss, anxiety attacks about my future, and subsequent weight gain. I learned that, despite my best efforts, I do not have my shit together, and that I am a bigger mess than I had feared. I also learned that the world does not end when you throw away your lifelong plans, that you can always find a way out and start over, but only if you want to. Other things I’ve learned?

1. Apologies are meaningless if you continue to make the same mistakes.

2. The eating habits you acquire in college will be harder to break than you think. I was spoiled living at home, with my Omma’s delicious cooking, non-plastic utensils, and lack of foods involving the microwave. The day I returned to Seattle, I was back to eating dry cereal out of the box and buying Cup Noodles in bulk.

3. Irregularity. What a shitty problem to have.

4. One of the best things about returning to Seattle? Return of the late night happy hour. New favorites? Barrio and Nijos.

5. Must keep an active reminder that my current lifestyle (i.e., work) does not allow for the capacity of a puppy. I can hardly manage to take care of myself. I am not responsible enough for a puppy. Even one with a face like this:

6. I admit I can be temperamental psycho. But it doesn’t stop me now, does it?

7. People who love and care for you will continue to do so, despite your worst qualities and your most disastrous mistakes. These are the people who will tolerate your oddest quirks. They are the ones who will remain patient and supportive as you get your shit together. They are the ones who will remind you not to walk out of the house with toothpaste on the side of your face. And they will do so free of asterisks and expectations of reciprocation.

8. Is there no hope for any of us?

11. Often times, the most pragmatic choices make the least sense. Sometimes, even the promise of a cushy life isn’t enough to calm the protests of the soul. It took me 20-something years, thousands of dollars in tuition, and literal blood, sweat, and tears (and occasional vomit – thanks Harborview ER!) for me to realize that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life living a façade. When you start hating yourself more than your job, then it’s time for a change. I’m doing just that.

12. Costco: where practicality and romance come together.

13. Family. We’re a good type of dysfunctional. I think.

15. People are rarely hopeless. They are merely difficult.

Lately, I’ve been so busy that I’m lucky to find time to wash my hair (like that’s really my excuse). Between work and a new boy, it’s difficult to find the energy to make plans, let alone follow through on them. By weekend come, we find ourselves choosing desperately-needed sleep above anything else, forfeiting all the cute date things new couples are supposed to be doing.

I’ve been neglecting a lot of things, like exercise, balanced meals, and proper hair hygiene. It’s becoming increasingly more difficult to finish a book, and once important goals, like more frequent posts on this blog, have been placed on the back burner. I only talk to my family once a day now (and on some days, only through email – aghast!), and there are three, four-day stretches where the dishes in the sink go untouched. I’m powering though eye cream, wearing a lot of hats, and spending more money eating at Whole Foods than my wallet really wants to allow.

And I thought that by giving up the medical school student life meant that my days of being sleep deprived and completely void of a social life were over – but here I am, with zero invites to weekend festivities, and having people constantly tell me I look like crap (via “you look really tired”). It often seems that the only difference between the life I’m living now, and the life I thought I’d have, is the absence of those powder blue scrubs.

But just before I launch into a full on rant about how miserable I am, I am reminded of how I’m not – because despite the long hours logged in at work, I feel more at home, more comfortable in my own skin, than I ever did roaming the hospital hallways. Am I doing something I always dreamed of? No. Am I at my dream job? Absolutely not. But I feel more at peace with who I am, and who I’m becoming, and that’s enough to keep me here.

I flew home just a few days ago, only to spend the entire day at the dining table, telecommuting with work, maniacally trying to meet all the deadlines and due dates before I could really start my “vacation”. I would be ferociously typing away on my keyboard, when I’d be interrupted by an occasional shriek from Honie, never-ending series of delicious smells from the kitchen, and my mom scolding my dad on his latest home improvement endeavor. And I had to stop, take a moment to pause and soak in the life that was being breathed through this house. Despite the heater refusing to function (wtf Florida, it’s 55 here? you can’t even get your weather right), this house is filled to brims with warmth. I had forgotten what it’s like to be here, surrounded by these people who are my world. But with one round of Korean profanities echoing through the rooms, I was back. And it’s like I had never left at all.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that I speak to a member of my family at least once a day. Our conversations are often mundane in nature, and short in duration. More often than not, it’s my mom who’s reminding me to pay my bills and eat more regularly. But a day without some form of communication (we’ve also now resorted to texts), I begin to worry. But despite the fact that we talk so regularly, I am reminded of how lucky I am to be part of this family. And more importantly, how lucky I am to be here, to have my life, to be doing what I do, filled with an endless supply of unconditional love.

I honestly don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes people pause for reflection. But as I take this time to ruminate about everything that’s happened this year – and my god, a lot has happened – I am flabbergasted at the change in my perspective. When I spoke about change and growth, I never expected this much so soon.

But I am happy. It’s an odd revelation when you admit that about yourself, but one that I don’t want to question, for the fear of scaring it away. I am grateful for so much – my family (which goes without saying), for the boy who is turning me into a lovesick teenager (so dangerously close to doodling our initials in hearts in my notebook), and for this job that’s inadvertently allowing me to realize what I really want to do.

I spend too much time (ironically) in Seattle focused on the lack of time and energy in my every day life, to actually take the moment to appreciate the fact I’m living. It wasn’t until my return home for the holidays that I allowed myself to. It wasn’t until Ki came home today (we stood outside waiting for his car to appear), having each member of this family accounted for (for the first time in months), that I looked around the kitchen (this kitchen that can accommodate more than just two people), and was prompted to come to my enlightened state of mind. I’m hoping to take a little piece of this with me back to Seattle, so that I can prolong this feeling (in the movies, this could be easily remedied with a meaningful snow globe).

I hope you’re all spending this time with the people who make you feel the same way as I do now. And remember, some things don’t have to be seasonal.

Merry Christmas.