soopastryheart

Wedding season has been well underway, evidenced by the growing number of save-the-dates and invitations that have accumulated on our mail pile. It seems like every other weekend a new couple posts engagement photos on Facebook or announces the happy news.

But somewhere in the midst of RSVPs and remembering the registry last minute (desperately trying to avoid being the one to buy the happy couple a spatula), to taking advantage of the open bar and/or posing regrettably in the photo booth, it has become abundantly clear that common sense isn’t always common sense when it comes to wedding festivities. So in case you need a refresher course in matrimony etiquette:

1. Unless you happen to know that the event is accommodating children (kids’ table, daycare, etc.), find a sitter for your brats. Don’t assume that your children can be part of your RSVP.

2. In fact, don’t assume that the RSVP is for anyone but you and your date (if you are allowed one). Weddings and receptions are notoriously expensive, and it’s mind numbingly rude if you bring your entire family of seven expecting a table.

3. Don’t bully the wedding party or ask to be the exception. It’s unfair to everyone else and it’s unfair to guilt the bride/groom.

4. Stick to the registry. If it’s miraculously complete, a check or giftcard is appropriate. Do not go rogue and think that romantic DVDs or cleaning supplies are adequate gifts. There’s a reason why they didn’t ask for it in the first place.

5. Ladies: no matter how casual the wedding, your Vegas party clothes will never be appropriate for anywhere else than Vegas. If you have to ask, “Is this too short?” IT IS.

6. Gentlemen: Jeans and nuptials is a big ass no. I don’t care if it’s in a backyard.

7. It kills me that I have to say it at all, but I always see at least one: DON’T WEAR ALL WHITE. No matter how “modern” or “new-age” you think you are, this shit is exclusive to the bride.

8. You are not a wedding reviewer. You are no bridal fashion expert or food critic. As far as the bride and groom are concerned, this ceremony is the most beautiful you’ve ever seen and every choice they have made is perfect. You will hold your damn tongue and reserve any judgment for the car ride home.

9. Weddings ceremonies are supposed to be composed, elegant, and even a bit stoic. The reception is not. The reception is the time to party, time to loosen those ties a bit (never should you wear it as a headband). Have a few drinks. But never to a point where you’re ralphing in the bushes or groping the mother of the bride.

10. It has occurred to me that an overwhelming number of you now own DSLRs. I get it too: they take nicer photos. But for the love of god, let the professional do his/her job and stay out of his/her way.

11. If you are single/dateless and someone asks you to dance, the answer is always, always yes.

Honie and I have what we simply and aptly call, our “Rules.” It started out, like many things, an inside joke about boys we would never date: a guy driving a yellow car or one who thinks baggy cargo shorts are a good look.

She’s too young to understand (or appreciate) it now, but with her budding teenagehood comes the inevitable stages of liking boys (much to Ki’s chagrin). Through first butterflies and awkward flirting, I know that Honie has begun to piece together qualities and traits she values the most in the opposite sex, setting the precedent for the rest of dating life.

And thinking about Honie’s introduction to romance got me thinking about how my own preferences have aged and adapted over the years. And after observing some male behaviors recently, it occurred to me what it really meant to be a man. Obvious anatomy aside, it takes much more to be classified as one, at least to me. It not about the impressive salary and flashy things he may own; any goon with a few bucks can buy expensive things. The true character of a man is in the intangible qualities, ones that can’t be bought, traded, or bargained. It’s in the minute details of his actions, like the way he treats his enemies, as well as his allies.

What else? 

1. Loyalty. Without it, a man is nothing.

2. Men eat. Heartily. Unapologetically.

3. A man acknowledges his flaws but refuses to accept them. He works to improve them, despite knowing the futility in his efforts. He carries humility in his pocket, always.

4. A man knows the often blurred yet discernible distinction of being ambitious and determined, with being selfish and cunning. You can be ruthless and compassionate. You can be maniacally driven to succeed without sacrificing integrity. At no point in his endeavors will he expose himself to the possibility of being called a weasel.

5. Men understand the modern rules of chivalry* (giving up the remote, removing the nasty hair gunk from the shower drain, etc.) and practice them. They do not complain about this shit. *Other forms of chivalry, restaurant edition.

6. His appearance is never sloppy, because a man gets his shit tailored.

7. A man is generous, with both his time and fortune.

8. Respect: contrary to popular belief, men do not demand it. They earn it.

9. Alpha men are undeniably distinguished as such because they have a spine. Made of steel. Men of this caliber represent the highest level of nobility. And they know it takes more than an intimidating stature and status to be called one.

10. Conviction. With it, a man is everything.

And these:

9. Call me old-fashioned, but you will never, ever, ever see me wearing pajamas, slippers, and carrying a pillow to a flight. How is this an acceptable dress code anywhere besides your home? There was a time when people got dressed up to ride an airplane (ask your parents). There’s a picture of my grandpa at the airport two decades ago where he’s donning a suit. People used to do that. I’m all about comfort when being limited to a confined space for long periods of time, but this doesn’t give you an excuse to look like you’re ready to head to a sleepover.

10. There are only two types of people you’ll ever get seated to: the cougher, or the sweet grandma. More often than not, it will be both.

11. I once spent an entire flight seated next to a Jehovah’s Witness who tried to recruit me. Needless to say, it was the longest two and a half hours of my life.

12. Men in sleeveless shirts: Yes at the gym, Maybe at the beach, No anywhere else.

13. If you tell someone where you’re from, they will tell you everything you already know in the form of rhetorical questions. Example: “Oh you’re from Seattle, where the Space Needle is?” Yes, I did know that Starbucks originated here. Yes, it rains plenty. No, I don’t really mind. No, I don’t know Bill Gates personally. There’s no stopping these repeated conversations from happening once initiated, so suck it up, put up a grin, and nod. Or pretend to fall asleep.

14. I am convinced that there is a correlation of a box-office tanking to the in-flight movie.

15. Don’t be the creepy white dude. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

Honie and I stopped to refuel at California Pizza Kitchen while shopping the other day, and we witnessed what was an obvious first date (let’s set aside the fact that a first date was occurring at CPK for a second). Including the painfully awkward and sparse conversation, the girl was using a fork and knife on her pizza (no), and I caught the guy checking out the waitress’s ass at least three times (a bigger no). I thought about the first dates I’ve been on (and shocked myself when I realized I’ve actually had a few), and realized that there are things that I’ve always assumed to be second nature, but others do not (or have forgotten with time). These of course, change and adapt with time – as a relationship grows, so does the level of comfort in which you can be a bit more lax (but not too much – don’t make us think we’re dating a barbarian). But first impressions are everything, so until we’re at a point where neither of us will be too repulsed by a particularly disgusting belch (I can do A thru M before my throat gives out), please do your best to follow these on the first few dates:

1. Remember when answering a phone at the dinner table was a big taboo? It also applies to text messaging. If it were a big group dinner, I would understand, but if I’m the only one sitting with you at the table and I’ve shaved my legs, you better put that thing away.

2. Unless you are deathly allergic, stop picking stuff off your plate. You chew, you swallow. Not too difficult of a concept.

3. Don’t sniff the food. Yes, I’m going to eat this, so stop pulling your face.

4. What is this salad bullshit? You are a grown-ass man, eat like one. Also, none of the “dressing on the side”, “light on the oil” crap. Being picky and prissy is my job. Burgers are always manly. Add some bacon, even manlier. Ordering a burger should be as simple as your usual at Starbucks, so resist making too many specifications. If you don’t want mayo, I’ll let that slide, because frankly, mayo is disgusting.

5. With that said, you should be eating your vegetables. What are you, six?

6. You should always order a larger serving of ice cream/frozen yogurt than me, if not only to make me feel better, but so I can mooch off yours when I’m done with mine.

7. Don’t be too surprised when I clean my plate when you’re too stuffed to take another bite. We Asian girls can have deceptively large appetites.

8. Elbows. Off. The. Table.

9. The greatest filet mignon in the world won’t save a date with a lackluster conversation. But this one can share equal blame. Unless you’re super dull. I’m a ray of sunshine.

10. There’s something undeniably sexy and confident about an uncomplicated drink order. You can never go wrong by ordering something on tap. If your cocktail is the color of an Easter egg, I can already tell you that I’ve mentally checked out of the evening.

11. It differs between gal to gal, but simplicity is always key. Sure, we like to get dressed up every once in awhile for a place with more forks and spoons than I would know what to do with, but I’d be just as happy with a pizza on the couch. As long as there’s wine. Always have wine.

12. I once dated a guy who would always rise from his seat when I approached the table. A little old school? Perhaps. But I can tell you he was getting some (put your eyebrow down, we dated for a year).

13. More than anything, respect is sexy. Respect for yourself, for your grandmother, and for the seemingly incompetent waitress of ours. You don’t have to do anything special; just don’t be an asshole when she messes up your order for the second time.

14. This list isn’t as long and demanding as you’d like to believe. Most of these are basic rules that you should already be practicing, granted your parents weren’t lazy and you’re not a hillbilly. Women get labeled high-maintenance (or worse) for wanting someone with manners. But dismissing the importance of etiquette makes you seem lethargic and careless. And those are definitely two qualities we won’t ever find sexy. You will never hear a woman say, “Oh baby, it is so attractive when pick your teeth like that with your butter knife”.

15. Unless you’re a pirate. But no eye patches, please.