“And you asked me what I want this year, and I try to make this kind and clear: just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days”
December 25, 2011 § 1 Comment
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I am not spending Christmas at home with the rest of my family, but rather, in our downtown condo. Don’t be mistaken; I’m not depressively spending it alone, as my brother is here with me. But nothing about this situation feels particularly Christmas-y to me.
Which is a shame, really, because I love Christmas. I love being home during the holidays, despite the fact that we never do anything particularly noteworthy or exciting. We don’t partake in super-special traditions; we spend it at home, with each other, doing the most mundane things. We have your average American dinner (with the exception of kimchi being served right next to the green bean casserole). We go to Christmas mass. We watch Honie open presents, while the rest of us open envelopes (Santa is pretty generous this time of year). In recent years, we’ve spent time watching stupid YouTube videos or looking at photos on Facebook. When we’re home, there’s always something broken (well, not so much broken as unfinished or incorrectly fixed by my dad), so we’ll take time repairing (or redoing) and attending to whatever is required. Bottom line is, nothing we do during the holidays is much different than what normally occurs when we’re all together.
Yesterday, in an attempt to revitalize what was left of my holiday spirit, Ki and I walked to Pike Place Market to look at the lights and festivities. I watched Home Alone in front of the fireplace, sipping hot chocolate (even with a seasonally appropriate candy cane straw!). Today, Ki and I went to early mass, and ate brunch with our Imo and Harmonie. We’re planning to Skype my parents and Honie later, which will likely consist of making stupid faces at each other and Honie warning us to have gifts ready for when we do come home (we’ll be there my dad’s birthday in January). I’m going to attempt to recreate our usual holiday dinner (obviously on a much smaller scale) for Ki and me tonight, and I plan on listening to carols the entire time.
But something tells me that nothing I do will lift me out of this Scrooge-ish hump, because nothing I do will compensate for the fact that I’m not at home with the people I love most. Honie and I are not creating a mess in the kitchen today making sugar cookies. Ki and my dad won’t be in the garage trying to figure out what’s wrong with the lawn mower. My mom and I won’t be planning our attack on the after-Christmas sales, or arguing about my lack of interest in becoming a domesticated female. One of our neighbors displays a 10-foot inflatable snow globe in front of his lawn each year, and dammit, I won’t be making fun of that either.
Call me a sentimental fool, but Christmas just doesn’t feel like Christmas when you’re not at home with your family. I hope this year will just be an anomaly in my Christmas history, and we can try this again next year.
Regardless of my sourpuss spirit, I wish you and your loved ones a merry one.
soopastryheart 
Come join me in Vancouver!