soopastryheart

You know what people like? Cheesy shit. Romantic shit. That OMG-this-makes-me-want-to-barf-out-of-my-eyesballs-but-I-secretly-wish-it-was-my-shit shit. Then enters Valentine’s Day, taking this vomit-inducing behavior to an entirely new level of queasiness. You can’t take four steps in a single direction right now without seeing a barrage of pink and red, hearts and cupids, chocolates and roses, and oversized novelty stuffed animals. And there’s really nothing wrong with that. There are people who really love this over-commercialized holiday. There’s nothing wrong with being in love with love. But there’s also nothing wrong with boycotting the holiday completely, only looking forward to the day after, when all that candy is on sale for half off.

February 14th may seem like a discriminatory holiday, reserved for the lovers, the romantics, the grade schoolers. But what I’ve come to realize is that this date isn’t exclusive to those having a sweaty hand to hold, googily eyes to stare at, or disgusting pet names to shamelessly share. I know plenty of couples that roll their eyes at the holiday’s hoopla. I also know plenty of single friends who spend it together, sharing a different, but equally fulfilling kind of love.

And personally, I think Valentines is a bit overrated. A holiday shouldn’t be a prerequisite to showing affection. Why not surprise someone on an ordinary day? Why not some “Hey, it’s Thursday!” chocolates, or “Congrats on paying your bills on time!” tulips, or a “You didn’t hit anyone with your car today, here’s a bracelet!” Why do the “meaningful gifts” have to be designated to a specific day? Why not celebrate the smallest victories, the every day life?

And what’s with the passive-aggressive pressure to find the all-elusive perfect gift? What ever happened to the homemade macaroni noodle card? Or a poem? (Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ve gained 10 pounds, since I started dating you.) Before you panic and scourge the mall for a piece of jewelry that she’ll then pretend to like, consider simplifying things.* Unless you’re dating a superficial dipshit, most girls just want to know you care.

A mixtape is an underrated, fading art form. Any idiot with a basic knowledge of iTunes can create a playlist packed with song titles with love in the title. The key to a great mixed tape is finding meaningful songs (as endearing as “honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow” sounds, it lack a certain eloquence). Ideally, you should have no problem coming up with the songs to best describe and dedicate to your lovely lady, but for the time-crunched or lyrically challenged, here’s a few ideas to help you get started.

“Won’t ya kiss me on that that midnight street, sweep me off my feet, singin’ ain’t this life so sweet?” – David Gray, “This Year’s Love”

Perfect For: The beginning of a relationship when you allow yourself to be super naïve.

Bottom Line: We all know how it is in that first stage of a relationship – you want to believe in all the possibilities, be around each other all day and night, and obsessively tweet about how amazing life is. Also, you still sneak off into your closet to let out a fart during a movie rental night on your couch (No? Is that just me?). It’s healthy to be optimistic. I just wouldn’t start designing wedding invites quite yet.

Related: “Love Is You” – Chrisette Michele (“Well, love must be a drug to make me feel this way”)

“Cause I’ve learned in the past, that love will never do without you” – Janet Jackson, “Love Will Never Do (Without You)”

Perfect For: Romantics. Queso lovers.

Bottom Line: Get that? Love itself ceases to function without you, yo.

Related: “She Is Love” – Parachute (“They call her love, love, love, love, love”)

“I got faith in you and I, so put your pretty little hand in mine” – Miguel, “Sure Thing”

Perfect For: Swoon effect (also known as the ultimate cheese). Middle school romances.

Bottom Line: There’s a reason why so many of us girls went through a boyband phase: because those dudes gave us our first glimpse (albeit, disillusioned) of true love. Also, there is not a female on this planet who doesn’t like being told how amazing she is (we’ll just deny, deny, deny). We never outgrow that. Like, ever.

Related: “This I Promise You – NSYNC (“I’ve loved you forever, in lifetimes before”), “Just the Way You Are” – Bruno Mars (“Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it’s so sexy”)

“And it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied” – Skylar Grey, “Love the Way You Lie”

Perfect For: Dysfunctional relationships. Masochists.

Bottom Line: If songs like this resonate best/most with you regarding your current relationship, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that you can probably do better.

Related: “Not Myself” – Amos Lee (“Does anybody have a clue? How hard I’ve worked at loving you?”),“Gravity” – Sara Bareilles (“You loved me ‘cause I’m fragile, when I thought that I was strong”), “Slow Dancing In a Burning Room” – John Mayer (“Go cry about it, why don’t you?”)

{WTF, not a single copy of this Garth Brooks song is available for embedding. What is the substitute? An asston of covers that I’d rather avoid shuffling through. Sorry}

“She’s sun and rain, she’s fire and ice. A little crazy, but it’s nice” – Garth Brooks, “She’s Every Woman”

Perfect For: Every female that ever existed. Also, the bipolar.

Bottom Line: Listen guys, we know we’re more than a little nutty sometimes. Even the most rational, level-headed, seemingly well-adjusted get off-balance sometimes, so bless your confused little hearts for being patient enough to tolerate it. We appreciate it more than we’ll ever dare to admit.

Related: “Beautiful Mess” – Jason Mraz (“Your style is quite selective, but your mind is rather reckless”)

“A man needs something he can hold onto, a nine-pound hammer or a woman like you” – Ray LaMontagne, “Jolene”

Perfect For: The wanderers, the commit-a-phobes and those seeking refuge in the arms of another. Also, those with substance abuse issues.

Bottom Line: This dude can’t get his ish together (for crying out loud, he’s waking up from a drunken knock-out, with his face all busted), despite the fact that there’s this woman who’s obviously doing all sorts of things to keep his soul intact. But imagine that kind of love – the kind of love that anchors someone, keeping his sanity, keeping the slightest glimmer of hope, keeping him from going over the edge completely. I have plenty of anchors like that (see: Moon family), but I’d like to be someone else’s anchor, someone’s nine-pound hammer someday. So get it together man – clean yourself up and go home – there’s a woman who loves you.
Related: “Better Man” – James Morrison (“Well, I needed shelter from the storm I was in”), “She’s Got a Way” – Billy Joel (“She’s got a smile that heals me”)

Don’t underestimate the power of the mixtape. The cheese is less potent when it’s in ballad form. Let the lyrics help you communicate the words that are difficult to vocalize.

Bonus points for accommodating choreography and subsequent performance(s).

*Uh, it’s not like I would turn away any gifts (I like shiny things). I am, after all, a chick (for the most part).