"You better check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self"

September 21, 2010 § Leave a comment

Although flying is my least favorite form of transportation (right up there with riding a camel bareback), I find myself on a plane numerous times throughout the year. I could buy a sensible sedan with how much I’ve probably spent on airfare in the last four years, and now that I’m back in Seattle, I know that trips home are going to be a significant portion of my expenses again (that’s only half true, I steal my dad’s miles when I can). Because I consider myself an experienced flier, I know exactly how to get through security quickly. I know that my laptop needs to be out of the case and in a separate bin. I don’t wear belts I have to take off. I follow all the TSA rules obediently because I know that it only takes one pissed-off employee to decide she wants to search through my stuff for some suspicious-looking nail polish. Airports are the one place where, no matter who you are, and what your status is, you can’t argue anything away. If you do, chances are, things are going to get far worse, and most likely, slow things way down for everyone else as well. Don’t be that person. Don’t be the asshole who throws a fit because you’ve packed something that is clearly outlined as being prohibited (tsa.gov). Don’t complain about missing your flight when you’re getting a random pat down. If you’ve ever thought that all TSA employees seem to be annoyed and unsympathetic, it’s because they are. Make things easier for yourself and for everyone else and just follow the rules.

And if you thought that taking off your shoes (think about how many bare feet have touched the ground before you; so don’t look at me weird when I’m sanitizing mine with anti-bacterial gel as soon as I retrieve my shoes), and allowing total strangers to rifle through your shit weren’t awkward enough, think about how the most basic of courtesies and common sense seem to fly out the window (pun intended) when you’re in the air. Just because we’re 30,000-something feet up doesn’t mean manners stop counting, but that’s exactly what seems to happen with some people. I’ve witnessed my fair share of pretty atrocious behavior, from near fistfights to oh-no-you-didn’t comments. But it’s the smaller incidents of eyebrow-raising behavior that become the most repulsive, and thus I have compiled a list – etiquette to flying – if you will (although after further consideration, could be applied to most other public areas).

1. Grooming rituals need be limited to your bathroom, or at least, in the comfort of your own home. How you could possibly think it to be acceptable for you to be clipping your nails on a plane is beyond my realm of understanding. And when I mention comfort, I meant the comfort of all those around you. Don’t apply your deodorant in your seat. Don’t readdress the pus-infected bandage around your toes. And for pete’s sake, anything that requires a magnifying mirror has no business up in the air.

2. It’s probably not the most romantic thing in the world to be engaged in any level of PDA with a stranger’s elbow rubbing up against yours.

3. Keep your little brats in control. We do not think it’s cute that your toddler is running and screaming down the aisle, or jumping up and down in his seat. Same goes for your snot-infested youngin’ who cannot keep his feet from going all Michael Flatley on the back of my seat. I am not unreasonable; I get that kids throw tantrums (but we Moon kids never did – just sayin’), and so I will give the parents some leeway to take action. But far too often, I watch as parents do absolutely nothing. News flash: this isn’t called tough-love, it’s called shitty parenting.

4. You know, it’d probably just be easier if kids under the age of 15 were banned on redeyes. Or at the very least, muzzled.

5. It’s a confined space people. Think about it; we’re trapped in an aluminum tube, breathing in recycled air. So anything that could permeate a smell should be strictly limited, no matter how convinced you are that it won’t bother anyone. I can’t stand the stench of fast food 99% of the time, so imagine how much worse it is when I’m strapped in, with nowhere to go, with the smell of heart disease all around me. In retrospect, I bet the sight of my vomit would make that chili-burger a lot less appetizing.

6. Keep your carry-on minimal. Don’t bring so much crap with you that Group 4 has to check-in their bags because all the overhead compartments are full.

7. Dude, the headphones are on. That’s the universal code for ‘leave me alone’.

8. Going back to pre-flight rules, avoid wearing shoes that take longer than 5 seconds to remove. Especially types like these:

And these:

9. Call me old-fashioned, but you will never, ever, ever see me wearing pajamas, slippers, and carrying a pillow to a flight. How is this an acceptable dress code anywhere besides your home? There was a time when people got dressed up to ride an airplane (ask your parents). There’s a picture of my grandpa at the airport two decades ago where he’s donning a suit. People used to do that. I’m all about comfort when being limited to a confined space for long periods of time, but this doesn’t give you an excuse to look like you’re ready to head to a sleepover.

10. There are only two types of people you’ll ever get seated to: the cougher, or the sweet grandma. More often than not, it will be both.

11. I once spent an entire flight seated next to a Jehovah’s Witness who tried to recruit me. Needless to say, it was the longest two and a half hours of my life.

12. Men in sleeveless shirts: Yes at the gym, Maybe at the beach, No anywhere else.

13. If you tell someone where you’re from, they will tell you everything you already know in the form of rhetorical questions. Example: “Oh you’re from Seattle, where the Space Needle is?” Yes, I did know that Starbucks originated here. Yes, it rains plenty. No, I don’t really mind. No, I don’t know Bill Gates personally. There’s no stopping these repeated conversations from happening once initiated, so suck it up, put up a grin, and nod. Or pretend to fall asleep.

14. I am convinced that there is a correlation of a box-office tanking to the in-flight movie.

15. Don’t be the creepy white dude. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

soopastryheart