soopastryheart

Honie and I stopped to refuel at California Pizza Kitchen while shopping the other day, and we witnessed what was an obvious first date (let’s set aside the fact that a first date was occurring at CPK for a second). Including the painfully awkward and sparse conversation, the girl was using a fork and knife on her pizza (no), and I caught the guy checking out the waitress’s ass at least three times (a bigger no). I thought about the first dates I’ve been on (and shocked myself when I realized I’ve actually had a few), and realized that there are things that I’ve always assumed to be second nature, but others do not (or have forgotten with time). These of course, change and adapt with time – as a relationship grows, so does the level of comfort in which you can be a bit more lax (but not too much – don’t make us think we’re dating a barbarian). But first impressions are everything, so until we’re at a point where neither of us will be too repulsed by a particularly disgusting belch (I can do A thru M before my throat gives out), please do your best to follow these on the first few dates:

1. Remember when answering a phone at the dinner table was a big taboo? It also applies to text messaging. If it were a big group dinner, I would understand, but if I’m the only one sitting with you at the table and I’ve shaved my legs, you better put that thing away.

2. Unless you are deathly allergic, stop picking stuff off your plate. You chew, you swallow. Not too difficult of a concept.

3. Don’t sniff the food. Yes, I’m going to eat this, so stop pulling your face.

4. What is this salad bullshit? You are a grown-ass man, eat like one. Also, none of the “dressing on the side”, “light on the oil” crap. Being picky and prissy is my job. Burgers are always manly. Add some bacon, even manlier. Ordering a burger should be as simple as your usual at Starbucks, so resist making too many specifications. If you don’t want mayo, I’ll let that slide, because frankly, mayo is disgusting.

5. With that said, you should be eating your vegetables. What are you, six?

6. You should always order a larger serving of ice cream/frozen yogurt than me, if not only to make me feel better, but so I can mooch off yours when I’m done with mine.

7. Don’t be too surprised when I clean my plate when you’re too stuffed to take another bite. We Asian girls can have deceptively large appetites.

8. Elbows. Off. The. Table.

9. The greatest filet mignon in the world won’t save a date with a lackluster conversation. But this one can share equal blame. Unless you’re super dull. I’m a ray of sunshine.

10. There’s something undeniably sexy and confident about an uncomplicated drink order. You can never go wrong by ordering something on tap. If your cocktail is the color of an Easter egg, I can already tell you that I’ve mentally checked out of the evening.

11. It differs between gal to gal, but simplicity is always key. Sure, we like to get dressed up every once in awhile for a place with more forks and spoons than I would know what to do with, but I’d be just as happy with a pizza on the couch. As long as there’s wine. Always have wine.

12. I once dated a guy who would always rise from his seat when I approached the table. A little old school? Perhaps. But I can tell you he was getting some (put your eyebrow down, we dated for a year).

13. More than anything, respect is sexy. Respect for yourself, for your grandmother, and for the seemingly incompetent waitress of ours. You don’t have to do anything special; just don’t be an asshole when she messes up your order for the second time.

14. This list isn’t as long and demanding as you’d like to believe. Most of these are basic rules that you should already be practicing, granted your parents weren’t lazy and you’re not a hillbilly. Women get labeled high-maintenance (or worse) for wanting someone with manners. But dismissing the importance of etiquette makes you seem lethargic and careless. And those are definitely two qualities we won’t ever find sexy. You will never hear a woman say, “Oh baby, it is so attractive when pick your teeth like that with your butter knife”.

15. Unless you’re a pirate. But no eye patches, please.